Creating Emotional Safety When You’re Triggered
As a therapist who frequently works with individuals healing from trauma, I am acutely aware of the importance of creating emotional safety. In today’s world, we are constantly surrounded by triggers that can make us feel threatened, activating our nervous systems. This often results in spending much of our time in a state of fight or flight, rather than in a calm, balanced state. When our nervous systems are calm, we can connect with others, place our trust in them, and access the rational part of our brain rather than reacting impulsively. This is why developing close, intimate relationships that provide emotional safety is crucial.
So, what exactly is emotional safety? The Gottman Institute defines it as feeling secure, comfortable, and protected from emotional harm or threat within a relationship.
However, I've noticed that sometimes people expect others to create emotional safety for them. When they feel "triggered" by someone or something, they believe it’s the responsibility of others to change in order to create that safety. This perspective fails to recognize that emotional safety is not a given in any relationship or situation—it must be nurtured by both parties involved.
Instead of expecting others to create safety for you, it's essential to learn how to create it for yourself.
So, how can you create emotional safety for yourself? Begin with strategies to calm your fight or flight response.
Regularly practice breathing and meditation exercises. For example, you might try breath prayers, where you say a phrase of a prayer on the inhale and finish it on the exhale.
Another effective technique is grounding using the 5-4-3-2-1 method: identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
In addition to these practices, it's important to identify your triggers and create a plan for managing them.
Recognize situations that are likely to activate your fight or flight response. If you find yourself reacting, step away until you can regain your calm.
Remember that your perception of a threat may not be accurate—question your interpretation of events. When your nervous system is calm, you're less likely to misinterpret others’ actions as threatening.
Once you're calm, return to the situation and discuss what happened. Be generous in offering forgiveness—understand that the other person is also learning how to create emotional safety.
