Overcoming Betrayal: Rebuilding Trust and Forgiveness
Understanding Betrayal: The Impact of Broken Trust in Relationships
Betrayal can occur in any relationship where there is a measure of trust, and one party takes advantage of that trust, subsequently harming the relationship, sometimes beyond repair. Trust requires vulnerability. How much you trust them, i.e., how vulnerable you are, depends on the relationship. The more vulnerable you are, the deeper the injury that can be inflicted. This can occur in many types of relationships including romantic, familial, friendships, and professional.
As a marriage and family therapist, one type of betrayal I often help people address is an affair. Often the betrayed party wonders if they will ever be able to trust their partner again, while the betraying party wonders how they will ever be able to earn that trust again. Overcoming betrayal requires both parties to take responsibility and actively work towards rebuilding the relationship. Neither job is easy. It cannot be done in isolation; both parties need to work in concert to re-establish trust.
Taking Responsibility After Betrayal: Addressing Infidelity and Trust
The betraying partner must take full responsibility for their actions. One challenge couples may experience is a difference in opinion over what constitutes an affair. Definitions of infidelity vary –some consider viewing pornography or forming an emotional relationship with someone outside of the marriage as an affair, whereas others may not consider it an affair unless there was a physical relationship. This discrepancy can make the process of taking responsibility more challenging.
The betraying partner must demonstrate – often in uncomfortable ways - their trustworthiness going forward. This may involve new levels of transparency and boundaries that were not previously present in the relationship. The betraying partner may struggle with this step because they feel their privacy is being invaded, or they might become frustrated with their partner’s lack of trust. This can lead to anger and an unwillingness to continue the process, particularly if they feel they may never fully regain the trust of their partner.
The Complex Journey of Forgiveness After Betrayal
The betrayed partner’s responsibility to forgive the betraying partner can be long and complicated. Ultimately, forgiveness is necessary whether the relationship continues or not. Without forgiveness, the pain and baggage of the betrayal can be carried indefinitely and can impact future relationships. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the actions of the betraying partner or allowing the behavior to continue. It simply means choosing not to let the betrayal hang over you any longer.
Many times, I have seen the betrayed partner offer forgiveness very quickly after discovering the affair, thinking the issue is resolved. I have found that if forgiveness is given too easily, there has not been enough time to really process the pain of the betrayal, which leads to unresolved resentment. Additionally, quickly forgiving may result in sweeping underlying issues in the relationship under the rug, rather than addressing the vulnerabilities that made the relationship susceptible to betrayal. It is important to note that the betrayed partner is NEVER at fault for the betraying partner looking outside of the relationship to get their needs met. However, acknowledging and addressing flaws in the relationship can help make positive changes going forward.
The Ongoing Process of Forgiveness: Understanding Its Layers
Forgiveness is a process. It’s possible to honestly forgive someone and later realize that there is more that needs to be forgiven. If the betrayed partner wants to move toward reconciliation, they will need to allow the betraying partner to demonstrate their trustworthiness. Rebuilding trust can be done in various ways but should not involve constant checking by the betrayed partner as this will only keep the fear and stress at the forefront.
Instead, other measures and boundaries can be put in place such as filtering software, accountability partners, and transparency by the betraying partner. Overtime, after the betraying partner has proven their trustworthiness, the betrayed partner will ultimately have to choose to trust again. This trust typically does not come easily or naturally, as the betrayed partner often experiences intrusive thoughts, fear, stress, and anxiety, similar symptoms experienced after a trauma.
Navigating Betrayal Recovery: The Role of Professional Counseling
As I mentioned earlier, both parties will need to do their part to overcome betrayal. This description I have provided is a simplification and focuses on the roles each party plays in the process. I highly recommend working with a therapist who is familiar with betrayal, specifically affair recovery, if that is the type of betrayal you are dealing with. A therapist can provide a safe place to process complex emotions, provide psychoeducation to help you better understand what you’re going through, assist in setting up effective boundaries, mediate difficult conversations, and help identify growth areas in your relationship that made it vulnerable to betrayal. Working with a therapist can help you make positive changes in your relationship and support you on your journey towards healing.
Dealing with betrayal is one of the most painful experiences anyone can face, but healing is possible. Whether you're navigating the aftermath of an affair or another form of betrayal, you don’t have to do it alone. Seeking professional help can provide the guidance and support needed to rebuild trust, communicate effectively, and heal together.
When you’re ready to take the first step in healing, we invite you to reach out. Our experienced therapists specialize in helping couples and individuals recover from betrayal and create stronger, healthier relationships. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and start your journey toward emotional healing and restoration.
Paraclete Counseling Center is conveniently located in Suwanee, GA, and offers both online and in-person therapy to clients in Suwanee, Johns Creek, Duluth, Alpharetta, Cumming, Buford, Norcross, Lawrenceville, Roswell, Peachtree Corners, Dacula, and the surrounding areas. We are proud to offer Christian counseling to individuals, couples, and families looking for faith-based support in their therapeutic journey. Whether you're dealing with mental health concerns, relationship challenges, or desiring personal growth, we are here to walk with you through whatever you're going through. Reach out today to schedule a session with us!
