Overcoming Betrayal in Relationships: A Journey Towards Healing
Betrayal can occur in any relationship where there is a measure of trust, and one party takes advantage
of that trust, subsequently harming the relationship, sometimes beyond repair. Trust requires
vulnerability. How much you trust them, i.e., how vulnerable you are, depends on the relationship. The
more vulnerable you are, the deeper the injury that can be inflicted. This can occur in many types of
relationships including romantic, familial, friendships, and professional.
As a marriage and family therapist, one type of betrayal I often help people address is an affair. Often
the betrayed party wonders if they will ever be able to trust their partner again, while the betraying
party wonders how they will ever be able to earn that trust again. Overcoming betrayal requires both
parties to take responsibility and actively work towards rebuilding the relationship. Neither job is easy.
It cannot be done in isolation; both parties need to work in concert to re-establish trust.
The Role of the Betraying Partner
The betraying partner must take full responsibility for their actions. One challenge couples may
experience is a difference in opinion over what constitutes an affair. Definitions of infidelity vary –some
consider viewing pornography or forming an emotional relationship with someone outside of the
marriage as an affair, whereas others may not consider it an affair unless there was a physical
relationship. This discrepancy can make the process of taking responsibility more challenging.
The betraying partner must demonstrate –often in uncomfortable ways -- their trustworthiness going
forward. This may involve new levels of transparency and boundaries that were not previously present
in the relationship. The betraying partner may struggle with this step because they feel their privacy is
being invaded, or they become frustrated with their partner’s lack of trust. This can lead to anger and
an unwillingness to continue the process, particularly if they feel they may never fully regain the trust of
their partner.
The Role of the Betrayed Partner
The betrayed partner’s responsibility to forgive the betraying partner can be long and complicated.
Ultimately, forgiveness is necessary whether the relationship continues or not. Without forgiveness, the
pain and baggage of the betrayal can be carried indefinitely and can impact future relationships.
Forgiveness does not mean condoning the actions of the betraying partner or allowing the behavior to
continue. It simply means choosing not to let the betrayal hang over you any longer.
Many times, I have seen the betrayed partner offer forgiveness very quickly after discovering the affair,
thinking the issue is resolved. I have found that if forgiveness is given too easily, there has not been
enough time to really process the pain of the betrayal, which leads to unresolved resentment.
Additionally, quickly forgiving may result in sweeping underlying issues in the relationship under the rug,
rather than addressing the vulnerabilities that made the relationship susceptible to betrayal.
It is important to note that the betrayed partner is NEVER at fault for the betraying partner looking
outside of the relationship to get their needs met. However, acknowledging and addressing flaws in the
relationship can help make positive changes going forward.
Rebuilding Trust
Forgiveness is a process. It’s possible to honestly forgive someone and later realize that there is more
that needs to be forgiven. If the betrayed partner wants to move toward reconciliation, they will need to
allow the betraying partner to demonstrate their trustworthiness. Rebuilding trust can be done in
various ways but should not involve constant checking by the betrayed partner as this will only keep the
fear and stress at the forefront.
Instead, other measures and boundaries can be put in place such as filtering software, accountability
partners, and transparency by the betraying partner. Overtime, after the betraying partner has proven
their trustworthiness, the betrayed partner will ultimately have to choose to trust again. This trust
typically does not come easily or naturally, as the betrayed partner often experiences intrusive thoughts,
fear, stress, and anxiety, similar symptoms experienced after a trauma.
As I mentioned earlier, both parties will need to do their part to overcome betrayal. This description I
have provided is a simplification and focuses on the roles each party plays in the process. I highly
recommend working with a therapist who is familiar with betrayal, specifically affair recovery, if that is
the type of betrayal you are dealing with. A therapist can provide a safe place to process complex
emotions, provide psychoeducation to help you better understand what you’re going through, assist in
setting up effective boundaries, mediate difficult conversations, and help identify growth areas in your
relationship that made it vulnerable to betrayal. Working with a therapist can help you make positive
changes in your relationship and support you on your journey towards healing.
