Supporting Your Children Through Separation and Divorce: A Therapist's Guide
As a licensed marriage and family therapist in North Metro Atlanta, I've helped individuals, couples, children, and young adults navigate the emotional challenges that come with separation and divorce. Having worked with many families throughout this process, one thing I've learned is that divorce impacts every member of the family—often in unexpected ways. Whether it's supporting children during a parent's separation, helping teens process a divorce, or guiding adults through the emotional aftermath of childhood parental separation, the effects are far-reaching.
Parents often face an uphill battle when it comes to maintaining emotional balance and self-care during these challenging times. They experience overwhelming emotions, which can make it difficult to care for their children, who may appear to cope better than they actually are. In this guide, I’ll share practical tips for parents in the Suwanee, Alpharetta, Cumming, Duluth, and nearby areas to help them navigate their own emotions and better support their children during separation and divorce.
1. Offer Clear, Age-Appropriate Explanations
Children thrive when they have a clear understanding of what's happening and what to expect in the future. While you may not have all the answers, providing honest and age-appropriate explanations will help alleviate some of their anxiety. Here are a couple of examples to guide you:
“Mom and Dad are not getting along right now, and we need to spend some time apart working on ourselves. When we know more about our plan for the future we will let you know.”
“Mommy and Daddy have decided not to stay married. Even though we’re no longer in love with each other, we will always love you.”
Tip: Reach out to a Paraclete Counseling Center therapist if you need help finding the right words for your child.
2. Create Consistency and Stability at Home
During times of change, routine is essential for children. Consistency in daily life—like keeping meal times, bedtime, and school routines stable—will help children feel more secure. While it might seem tempting to relax the rules to make things easier, maintaining some structure is critical for long-term emotional health.
3. Expect and Understand Regressive Behavior
Children may regress to earlier stages of development when coping with stress, exhibiting behaviors such as temper tantrums, increased clinginess, or sleep difficulties. Remember, this is normal and typically temporary. If you notice these behaviors, gently explore them with your child, such as saying:
“I wonder if you’re feeling extra cuddly because you’re worried about our closeness and miss me when we’re not together”
“I wonder if you’re not following the rules because you’re upset about the changes happening in your life?”
These types of open-ended questions encourage communication and help your child feel understood. By occasionally checking in on them and being curious about their behavior, you send the message that you care and it’s ok to talk about it.
4. Balance Divorce Conversations with Normal Childhood
While it’s important to explain the changes, children also need moments to just be kids. Don't let divorce dominate every conversation, especially with teenagers. Overloading them with details can lead to emotional overwhelm. Allow your children the space to engage in activities like school, sports, and friendships without feeling the weight of your separation.
5. Prioritize Your Own Self-Care
As a parent, you may feel the urge to focus all your attention on your child, especially if you sense they’re struggling. But neglecting your own self-care can make it harder for you to support them. Children, especially sensitive ones—may take on the role of caregiver for their parents and feel anxious about their parents’ wellbeing. They might also take on the role of peacekeeper, working to prevent their parent’s anger or to create a buffer between conflicting parents. Your child doesn’t need this burden, and you may not even realize they have taken it on or how much it is affecting them. Parents, particularly in Suwanee and nearby areas, can benefit from seeking therapy or building a support network of friends, family, or support groups to process their emotions. When you care for yourself, you’ll be better equipped to support your child’s emotional needs.
6. Support Your Child’s Relationship with Both Parents
It's normal for you to feel hurt or angry at your ex-partner. It might feel unfair that your children still love the other parent or that the other parent seems to face no consequences for the hurt they've caused, but children need the freedom to love both parents without feeling caught in the middle. Avoid:
Criticizing the other parent in front of your child
Using negative body language or nonverbal cues when talking about the other parent (e.g., rolling your eyes or sighing)
Interrogating your child about their time with the other parent
Causing your children to feel that they must choose sides
Supporting your child's relationship with both parents helps them feel secure and prevents them from feeling torn between two conflicting loyalties. When children receive the message that it’s not okay to love both parents, it can lead to unnecessary stress or anxiety.
7. Don’t Put Your Kids in the Middle
Avoid using your children as messengers or forcing them to take sides in your conflict. Communicate directly with your ex-spouse and try to remain as positive (or at least neutral) about them and the child’s time with them as possible. Try to separate the negative behaviors of the other parent from your view of them as a person in order to allow your children space to love you both. Children can still love someone who is acting in ways they don’t like. When possible, give feedback directly to the other parent about the specific behavior or co-parenting rule they are not following. For example, if the other parent did not bring children with the right clothing at the correct time, give feedback on the specific behavior and your future expectations:
“We agreed that our child will take their uniform back and forth to our houses and that drop off time is 5pm. Please make sure to remember their uniform and have them here on time in the future.”
Criticizing or speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your child can hurt them. Remember, your child shares traits with both of you, and when you speak badly about the other parent, it puts undue pressure on them to either side with you or defend the other parent—creating unnecessary emotional stress. Never put your child in a position where they feel they have to choose sides. If co-parenting becomes difficult, consider seeking help from a family therapist to help facilitate more effective communication.
8. Shield Children from Unnecessary Details
While you might feel a need to share your feelings or frustrations with your child, remember that they don’t need to know every detail, especially about the other parent or the cause of the divorce. Overloading your child with negative details can be emotionally harmful. This can be especially difficult when there’s a sense of injustice and it feels like your former spouse hasn’t been held accountable for their actions. Think about whether it is more important to pursue justice (which may not come) or retaliate against the other parent than to love your children. Trying to make the other parent pay or blaming them for the divorce will only get in the way of your children feeling supported, loved, and prioritized.
9. Acknowledge Their Grief
Your child’s grief may manifest in different ways—anger, sadness, anxiety, or confusion. Don’t rush their healing process. Allow your children to express their emotions, and create a safe space for them to feel supported throughout the grieving process. Just like you never hoped for a relationship that didn’t work out in the long run, your children would rather have a healthy intact family. Even if they agree that their parents are better off apart, there is still a loss that needs to be acknowledged and mourned. Check in with your children and normalize the range of emotions. Welcoming both their warm, positive feelings as well as their difficult ones sends the message that you accept all parts of them and are a safe place for them, no matter what they are experiencing.
10. Develop Effective Co-Parenting Strategies
Co-parenting can be one of the most challenging aspects of divorce, but it’s also one of the most important. Good co-parenting is one of the best gifts you can give your child, so consider seeing it as a job you do for your child’s benefit. Co-parent relationships function best when approached as a partnership focused solely on the well-being of your children.
Communicate like you would with a co-worker in a professional, task focused, and polite manner. This may mean communicating respectfully with your ex-partner, setting clear expectations, and seeking professional help if needed. If you experience internal resistance to treating the other parent with respect, do it because it is good for your child, not because it is what the other parent deserves. You will likely have an easier time motivating yourself to stay calm and less reactive if you use your child as your motivator.
11. Recognize That Divorce Has a Lasting Impact
While the pain of divorce may ease over time, its impact doesn’t disappear completely. Expect emotional ups and downs from your child as they continue to process the changes in their family life. Be prepared to offer a safe space for their emotions, even if they arise months or years after the separation. You don’t have to agree with their thoughts and feelings, just give them a safe place to let them out.
12. Help Your Child Build Emotional Resilience
Although it’s difficult, the challenges of separation and divorce can teach children valuable life skills, such as emotional resilience. Support your child in building these skills by modeling healthy coping strategies and guiding them through adversity with empathy and patience.
Professional Support Resources in Suwanee, Alpharetta, Cumming, Duluth, Roswell, and Nearby Areas
If you notice persistent signs of distress in your child, it may be time to seek professional support. In North Metro Atlanta, there are several resources available, including:
Family therapy to improve communication and co-parenting
Support groups where children can connect with others facing similar challenges
At Paraclete Counseling Center, we offer specialized therapy for families navigating separation and divorce. Our team is here to support you and your child during this difficult time.
Kami Legg, LMFT, is a seasoned therapist with over a decade of experience helping individuals, couples, and families navigate life's challenges, including separation and divorce. Specializing in mood disorders, trauma, and relationship issues, Kami brings a compassionate, personalized approach to each client. Whether you're working through grief, family dynamics, or seeking to rebuild emotional resilience, Kami’s diverse expertise allows her to tailor therapy to meet your unique needs. With a heart for both faith-based and secular counseling, Kami helps clients find healing, strength, and solutions, fostering peace and emotional well-being. If your child or family is needing extra support following a separation or divorce, reach out to schedule a free consultation call with Kami.
Paraclete Counseling Center is conveniently located in Suwanee, GA, and offers both online and in-person therapy to clients in Suwanee, Johns Creek, Duluth, Alpharetta, Cumming, Buford, Norcross, Lawrenceville, Roswell, Peachtree Corners, Dacula, and the surrounding areas. We are proud to offer Christian counseling to individuals, couples, and families looking for faith-based support in their therapeutic journey. Whether you're dealing with mental health concerns, relationship challenges, or desiring personal growth, we are here to walk with you through whatever you're going through. Reach out today to schedule a session with us!
